Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Booby Trapped II, Electric Bugaloo

So there we were, a bright and shiny (although cold and rainy) Christmas morning, fresh with the promises of the season, all aglow with Holiday cheer. My Goodely Wyfe nude from the waist down with some stranger between her legs, and me in a cubicle-like place, enjoying (oh so quietly) some of the finest pornography I have seen this year.

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he is a rotten old perv.

Of course, I refer to our continued attempts to become, as the kids like to say, "all knocked up". The Goodely Wyfe's cycle landed us on the 25th in the fertility clinic embarking on the process of IUI or In Utero Insemination. In S.A.T. parlance, IUI is to turkey baster as IVF is to test tube.

My "appointment" was at 9am, and the Goodley's was at 10:30am. I don't really understand the big gap in time, as I believe I was "compleat", strategist style, with my portion by 9:03am. But, it wasn't really about me so much, as it was about my boys. I have to admit, this wasn't the best offering that I thought I could do for them, and almost went for the double play, but decided to just submit what I had, figuring that they would ask for more if they needed it. They recommend we (who is this we? Me and the fine women and men of Booby Trapped?) produce 5,000,000 sperm. No pressure, eh?

Well, this masturbatory prolificnaut sent forth no less than 24,000,000 of the wriggling, egg seaking baby missles in his meager attempt. Ain't nothing but a thang, yo.

They cleaned them up, I assume all so carefully, loaded them into a wacky long catheter, and sent them all up in my Wyfe's chicken, as the kids like to say. This process keeps my boyos strong, and in a process akin to blasting sperm at her egg like a wide barreled firehose set on "saturate". No need for them to spawn their way upstream, they took the H.O.V. lane to the womb. The rest is now up to the 1-4 eggs that we hyper stimulated in the Goodley's system. Go girls, go!

The rest of the Christams day paled in comparison to the gift that we may or may not receive, the coveted baby. We thought how nice it might be to name her Noel, but I think I even got preliminary approval for the tyke's middle name to be Jingles.

Stop laughing.....how dare you! Think about it, and put it in your own name. Try it out in other names...its perfect! Theodore Jingles Roosevelt. Mahatma Jingles Ghandi, Samuel L. Jingles Jackson.

The latter's is the one with "Jolly Muthafucka" stamped on his wallet.

Monday, December 19, 2005

This happens to some degree every year, BUT...

This year the whole Santa vs. Jesus no-holds-barred steel cage match is really harshing my mellow. I can understand outrage if someone curses you out by saying "I hope Santa Claus opens an unbrella up your dumper!", but if someone in these days and times is actually taking a moment to wish you well this holiday season, what difference does it make if they invoke Santa, Jesus or the many tentacled Elder Shoggoth, who was named before there were words?

Sure, "Satan watch over you." would be a little inappropriate, but I really don't think that people who say "God Bless You" when you load up their groceries into their dilapidated Pacer are really trying to cram their Judeo-Christian beliefs down your throat, nor are they deserving of a lecture on religious freedom and/or the long and rich history of Secular Humanism. I would like to think they are wishing you well using the language and skills that they have available.

Conversely, if I am wearing my Santa Claus hat, I really don't want anyone coming up to me saying that I am not celebrating the season "correctly" or that "Little baby Jeebus cries whenever someone "worships" Santa." Nope, can't have it, won't have it.

Everyone lays a claim on the holiday season. We all know, deep within our reptillian brain, that it is cold, dark and frequently nasty out, and if we didn't have some form of celebration planned, we would have all resorted to ritualistic cannabalism years ago. Take a deep breath, embrace your fellow man, and take everyone, from Bible Thumper to Agnostic Mercantile Penitent with a grain of salt fitting to adorn the universe's largest Margarita.

Season's Greeting, baby Jeebus!

Friday, December 09, 2005

Where were we?

Ah yes, I almost forgot. I write a blog. You wouldn't know it recently, but there you go. I will post, post, post until those Saint come marching in!

The biggest news thus far is that our pregnancy efforts are going about as well as Bush's Iraq plan. BANG! Political satire! Watch out! We are still there, mucking about, and it FEELS like progress is being made, but we have no concrete results. Be of good cheer, because we are (insert Bush imitation here) "Gonna stay the course, gonna be there, to help resuscititize the area, and sow the seed of democratics worldwide."

What I am saying, I suppose, is that we are still in the baby making arena, and we have a few options coming up. Watch this space, and my Goodely Wyfe's womb for details.

In other news, my efforts to never sue anybody for anything (and thus never BE sued) are being sorely tempted as of late. Apparently my digital camera model and my Playstation model are both being represented in a class action lawsuit for faulty manufacturing. Really, I can't be less enthused. Yep, they both have their problems, but I can't bring myself to go to court for them.

Closer to home, our neighbors have clobbered the root system of a very tall and magnificent tree next to our house during their recent construction, and said tree is now threatening to smash our house, Treebeard vis-a-vis Isengard style. The neighbors, thankfully enough, are not just young and hot, but also very understanding about the whole thing, and we just need a mafia style sit down with them to get the whole thing cleared up, and the tree taken down. I will miss the tree greatly. Again, tall and magnificent is not just my Goodely Wyfe and our friend Jilly, it is also a part of our landscape.

So, Whew! I will be doing all the knocking on all the wood available that I can wrap up 2005 lawyer and court free.

I will end with this final thought: I have been enjoying a breakfast of homemade gingerbread man cookies and eggnog for breakfast every morning. If you aren't already, I heartily recommend this!